I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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