this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
