You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
