Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
