Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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