she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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