I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
