i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
