I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
