Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
