Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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