Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
