I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
