I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
