omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
