Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You took a bar mat shot.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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