The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
