I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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