I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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