it glows. i had to have it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
