I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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