just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
