my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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