the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
