Only a mothe r could love this liver
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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