her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
