She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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