I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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