Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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