I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
