Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
