After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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