that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm always down for nudity.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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