Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
