Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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