can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
