I feel great
I just peed on a car
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
