we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
