There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Me too!
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
