My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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