he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
