If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
