So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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