Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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