totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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