he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
