I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
