I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
