I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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