Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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