Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
