i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
