??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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