She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
