I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
